Pavement

Some of you might know me as the girl of trauma.  Or the girl of strange medical conditions. The girl that smiles with her whole face.  The girl that always brings a piñata to the party. The girl that runs. The girl that speaks even when she’s told not to.  The girl that doesn’t cry. The one that’s always strong. I have many words to speak to this. Ultimately, I am none of these people and all of them.  I don’t feel like I am just one. Nor do I feel like I am any of them at all.

If you asked me who I was in three words I couldn’t begin to tell you.  My head would swim and I’d probably find a corner for my eyes to rest. I would make up a bullshit answer or if you seemed trustworthy enough I would be honest and tell you “I don’t have a clue”. How can you sum up a person in three words.  You can’t.

I know I’m beloved.  Sometimes that doesn’t stand above all the other pieces, the soil that makes me who I am.  

I ran today.  Around a lake.  I ran around a lake so many times I lost count.  I ran and ran and ran. I know that lake and that path so well now I could tell you where all the roots and rocks were so you didn’t step on them, so you didn’t trip over the things I was so close to smacking my face on.  I ran up and looped and did a sort of dance with the trees and the rock. My legs ached. It wasn’t until about mile 11 that I realized I was punishing myself. Punishing myself for things I had done, people I had “allowed” to hurt me, as if I had control over this in the first place.  But the eyes and the why’s make you believe you did. And part of you wishes you did because then you get to be human again, instead of a stray dog abused and bloodied in a corner next to the garbage nobody cares to take out. But you are that dog in those moments. You are and you aren’t.  Treated like one.

Many see me as a beaten. Many see me as an endurer. Many see me as strength, perseverance, joy, becoming, sunshine. I suppose it doesn’t matter. Yet when your story has fallen on so many hearts, scalded so many ears, it’s difficult not to hear words from others, thoughts from others, truth or not.  

The capacity to endure is living within, among, as well as outside your own circumstances.  Having the eyes and the heart to see something beyond what you’re inside of. Captivity is more than just a physical cage, it is a mindset.  Freedom can be found wherever you’re at. My legs often feel like wings when I run. But today they didn’t. Today they felt like lead that traveled up my spine, through my skull, and ate my thoughts.  A mind game. The ability to endure is inside you and it grows like a redwood in the hardest of times.

Each circumstance is different from the last, each human being is different, each human and every circumstance are separate.  Nothing is like the other. Beloved endurance.