the sunsets of grandpa jim

I now own more orange gear than I ever have at one point in my life. This past month made me want to channel so much more of who grandpa is. We were louder. We sang more. We worried less. We chose life every morning and thanked it every evening. We ate and drank like we never had. We watched sunsets and cried while cheers-ing grandpa JIm. We ran on the beach, screaming. We swam with fish and breathing underwater. We watched the sunrise from the back of a motorbike through the mountains. And we wore orange—so much orange. And it was excitement and joy and peace and beauty and pain, all together wonderful. Just like life.

I haven’t written for so long, I don’t know where to start. Liv says I tend to write more when I’m in some sort of emotional distress, but actually I feel more alive right now than I have in two years. I had my heartbroken and my home stolen and I seem to be holding more peace within my chest than I have in years. It’s not without pain, not in the slightest and for the past couple years I had convinced myself, I think, that I couldn’t feel both. that they were much too opposite to coexist—one would always cancel out the other. But I’m realizing now how wrong I was, how damn near impossible it is for a human to not feel both. How that’s asking a heart to make a deeply impossible decision in a deeply broken world. I don’t want to live the reality where I am the one asking that of someone else. There is so much to do in this life—so many opportunities so what the hell am I doing settling for unhappiness. When did I become a slave to this life? And when will I allow myself the freedom to just be. I’m really quite amazed at the people that are a part of my world. The diamonds in the rough. All over the fricken world! And at the end of the day—it’s just stuff, expensive stuff, for sure—but the permanent, kind people, that’s what’s completely irreplaceable. And that’s home.

it will all be okay

more than okay

it will be majestical

because there’s you & there’s me

& together there’s an us

that will forever be

which cultivates love & kindness

joy & excitement

comfort & home

we are permanent.