she's always fine

There are moments throughout my life where I can feel myself disappearing. And in that moment, that feeling is the most comforting. Just going away, like dust in the wind; unnoticed, uncared for, un-chased. Maybe that’s the thing about living loud, always dreaming, staying high above clouds but diving in recklessly. The moments when I stare off into a distant land and watch myself float away, fizzling to particles that forever belong to the sky, sometimes that’s the freest I can be. Someone once asked me: fearless girl, is there anything that really scares you? For years, I had been saying it was abandonment; captivity; feeling trapped in abandonment. But I don’t think that’s true anymore. I fear that I could be everything for anyone at any given time and I would still be seen as being too much, no matter how hard I tried to be brave inside my own memories. Maybe all the effort I’ve put to protecting myself outside of my memories and abusing myself inside of them, has caved in on me, burying me alone and too much.

There aren’t many people in this world that know my story. Sure, they know pieces and parts, the small things or maybe some of the big ones, but I think there is only one who knows every piece, big and small. I just wish they would all be like him. The moments when I feel the most afraid of myself and everything that follows me are when people I love show me they care, that they care so, so much. I push them back. Because to have someone that close means they have to see everything. Every crumb and every rock lodged inside me. I’m not afraid of people knowing, I’m not afraid of being vulnerable enough to speak about it, I’m afraid of them seeing the ways it’s destroyed me. If I can’t be fearless girl, who am I?